*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Fight
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”