Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
You Might Also Like
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂