I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
jesus, what did this guy do
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.