self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Good morning y’all ☀️
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
that lip filler tho
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?