at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
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Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Oh deer
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
This squirrel eats better than I do
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.