How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
You Might Also Like
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?