teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
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If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I can’t wait!
translated into Canadian
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago