My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
This can never not be funny 😭😭
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
R.I.P.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh