My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When the stylist spins you back around
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope