Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.