[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: