Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
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My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.