Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.