‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
They’re the worst 😩
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace