I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’