Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Snapes on a plane.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
#CatsOnTwitter
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!