Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
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I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]