♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
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I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”