Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.