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OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
secret recipe
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Follow me for more life hacks.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.