goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
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I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
When can I start eating bats again.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”