Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
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Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Beware of the dog..
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment