pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
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Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.