You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Me, in DM rooms…
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
☺️
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”