me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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i wish i could marry a nap
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911