debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
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My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars