Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
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You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
i baked you a cake
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?