If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
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“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
This made me chuckle.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.