“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
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[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then