Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
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[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday