[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
birds and squirrels envy us
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.