Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
There’s never enough good news
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place