Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
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Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Finally, an instrument I can play!
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
No way!
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.