Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
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When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.