Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
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” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Cats (2019)
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.