[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
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People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Woke up against my better judgement again
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
HELP 😭
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.