My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
This did not end as expected.
Does beer think about me too?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Beware…..