I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
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Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.