Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
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Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Not all heroes wear capes.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”