Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
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EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe