Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
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[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE