[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
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*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: