People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.