A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now