If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
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[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”