Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
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7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.