*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I think this cat is broken
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
How software testing works
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.