Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?