Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
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Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.