date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
My neck, my back, my…
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
True
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix